...but I did a bad thing. I semi-binged this morning. I've been having a hard time with the challenge lately. I feel like my senses have been thrown off. I don't know what food I like and don't like anymore. Things came to a head on Friday night when I went to my friend's birthday party at Esperpento. fathlete confession: When the waitress served my artichokes to the wrong side of the table and everyone kept picking at them before they got to me, I couldn't help but think: Get your grubby hands off my artichokes and stick to your paella, you carb-eating, non-paleo heathens! Don't get me wrong. I had a great time and the food was fabulous! (I stuck to grilled mushrooms, grilled artichokes, garlic chicken and grilled seafood.) However, when the bday cupcakes came around, I didn't have any. Not a single one. Not a single bite. This is nothing to be proud of. I felt bad because (1) my food senses were so off that I wasn't sure if I loved or hated chocolate anymore (2) my dear friend Margaret made these cupcakes (chocolate pound cake with chocolate ganache and topped with a piece of white chocolate) and I missed out on having a taste of her masterpiece (3) I wasn't sure if I wanted to bite into one of those delightful treats or throw it across the room declaring: cupcakes are the devil's work! Since then, I haven't stopped thinking about the cupcakes - not because I want a bite, but because I'm developing an even WORSE relationship with food! Hence this morning's binge which consisted of: 3 vegetarian samosas, 4 pieces of karioka (fried mochi), and 1 bibingka (Filipino rice cake) with salted egg. This is how off my senses are. NONE of these items are on my "I can't wait til this f--kin' challenge is over!" list!
Lately, eating has become a moral dilemma. This past week I felt guilty about putting a freakin' banana in my pancake batter! ONE BANANA between 16 pancakes (which I shared)! Though I've had small cheats, they were never real, bona fide cheats. Ahem. A bite of dark chocolate to hold me down is not a real cheat. Three pieces of plantains during Mel's bday dinner is not a real cheat. The small piece of lumpia over lunch with my sister is not a real cheat.
I went running this morning with Lori and explained my dilemma. I told her I was going to engage in a real cheat after the run. And I did. It wasn't exactly the stuff I was craving. But it did the job (for now). Looking back, I should have followed my spider senses and took Friday night off. That way, this morning's binge would have never happened.
Even more than the cheat, the cornerstone of my frustration is weight loss itself. I'm at constant war with my body and it's not getting any better. The first two weeks I was doing okay. These last two weeks (I started a week early) I've only dropped a pound per week. I'm down about 7.5 pounds total. It's respectable. I'm not complaining. I'd rather be down than up. It's just that I've been good and I was expecting better results. 7.5 pounds later, my friend asked if I was down a pant size. I said no. I know I need to be patient. It's just that I had hoped that my body would be different. In the past, I've lost twenty pounds and was still the same pant size. My body is weird like that. I can loose pounds and stay the same clothing size. I can loose very little weight, stay the same pant size, but loose inches in weird places. Right now, my waist and my bra band size are two inches down. I never know which numbers to pay attention to. These days I feel like regardless of what I pay attention to, I'm at the shorter end of the stick.Technically, there are two weeks left in the challenge. Thing is, this wasn't a five week escapade for me. I need to figure things out...
CrossFit One World WOD
Run 5K
Notes (to myself) about this workout: Lori and I planned on running this race. However, I completely blanked and realized that it was happening next week. We're not quite ready, so we're not doing this race. We're still going to do a 5K, but we have to find another one. There's always one around, so no biggie. Right now, I like doing a weekly, no-pressure run.
6 comments:
I hear your frustration, J-Ro.
I confess that I have been on a binge-fest these last 2 days. I cheated with 2 slices of pizza and an entire carmel apple. crap, that's just not like me. Today I ate the cardinal sin -rice. I wish I could blame the full moon but I can't. There was just something whacked out with my metabolism where I craved sugar and carbs.Much like you, I gotta figure out what happened. Perhaps we are restricting ourselves a bit too much too fast?
Evil Twin
I'm so sorry Joanne! I know you can do it! Anyway, it's not about weight or pant sizes- it's about being healthy. Seriously you're one of the healthiest people I know (exercise and eating-wise). I don't know why you're beating yourself up. You're complaining that you haven't cheated! Isn't that a good thing???
You make it real by struggling- our society makes it easy to overeat. Its the beauty of capitalism. Buy more food, it'll make you fat. Use our fad quick weight loss solutions, it'll make us* rich.
*i.e. capitalism aka "The Man".
Mary - I absolutely agree with you! I think the body reaches a point where it just craves the carbs and we have to give in. That's exactly how I felt about my binge. When I weighed and measured this morning, there was no negative effect. I didn't feel bloated and all that. My body just needed me to loosen up and have something carbalicious.
Admittedly, I've been telling people that it's okay to cheat, but I haven't been following my own advice. I guess this is what happens. You body just demands that you feed it what it needs. I feel much better today. Going forward, I am going to indulge in a designated weekly cheat. When that happens, I'm going to make it worthwhile!
Diana - No apologies needed. BTW - How much do I love your nerdy-academic assessment?! Lots. LOTS!
No worries, I think people have been taking this challenge way too seriously. The best thing that could happen from it is helping people develop lasting eating habits they can live with. Don't be afraid to live a little sometimes. Think of it as finding a healthy relationship with food =).
Thanks Jerry. I agree. The challenge has gotten a little crazy and I totally need to live a little....
i'm sorry i missed reading this post when it published b/c now my encouragement isn't timely anymore. but yes, i agree with everyone above that you shouldn't beat yourself up. in fact, your "binge" isn't even really a binge. hahaha. like diana, i think you're truly one of the healthiest people i know. i've been enjoying reading about your new journey with food (and all the recipes!) as i've been going on my own journey. the contents of my pantry have been changing slowly but steadily. i now have coconut flour and almond meal! whodathunk? anyway, even when you trip up -- or perhaps because of it -- you keep on inspiring me!
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