Tuesday, October 02, 2007

being a diabetic sucks!

I went to the doctor today. Tish, the nurse practitioner who's been with me since I was diagnosed with diabetes was out for about three months, so I set up an appointment with her just to catch up on my health issues and such. Tish was also the person who recommended that I see the diabetes specialist (whose appointments are costing me $200 per visit until I pay my deductible UGH!). They're recommending that I change my medication again. This new medication is basically a daily shot (as in the kind with a needle, not a glass!). One of the side effects is that it suppresses the appetite, which is a good thing for me, since the specialist recommends that I lose weight too. Knowing me, this side effect will have nothing to do with me because world wars couldn't stop me from eating :) This is just fact! Technically, I should surrender to the specialist and take this daily shot. However, there's something about being overly dependent on meds that really irritates me. Plus, a daily shot? Is this what it's come to?! I'm giving myself until the end of this school year to decide whether to switch or not.

The reality of having to deal with diabetes always sinks in when I go to the doctor. I sat in Tish's office crying because being a diabetic sucks! In fact, having any chronic disease sucks because you can't shake it off. It's not like you can have diabetes one day and the next day it's gone. Diabetes is with me for life. It determines how I live life and how long I get to do it. It just sucks. The basis of diabetes care, like most health issues is diet and exercise. But to be a "good diabetic" (if there is such a thing) requires an intense amount of discipline in a world and culture that is less than diabetic friendly. I fuckin' hate it!

Whenever the reality of being a diabetic sinks in, a part of me gets really angry at my mom. She's been a diabetic since 1987, but none of us (my siblings and I) knew she was diabetic until 2004 when I was diagnosed. Granted, diabetes education in 1987 is nothing like it was now. However, if you're diagnosed with a chronic disease which you know runs in the family and could possibly be passed down to your children, wouldn't you fuckin' do something to prevent your kids from getting it? Wouldn't you educate yourself and your family? This is what pisses me off about being diabetic. Granted, EVERYONE, if you live long enough, will eventually become a diabetic because the pancreas eventually gives out. However, wouldn't you try to prolong that for you and your kids?

Granted, this bitterness against my mom is related to a much longer strain of mom issues that I have. I get this. In fact, a lot of issues I have with family members stems from the fact that they way they handle things is nothing like the way I handle things. Different strokes for different folks. I get this. But this is a fuckin' chronic disease we're talking here! And something so controllable and preventable. I feel like this is my family's way of dealing with shit. When there's a problem, simply ignore because the grace of God will handle itself.

Fuck that shit!

Even after all these years, my mom still doesn't handle her diabetes. Last week I gave her a lesson on checking her blood sugars. I recommended that she check it around 4 times a day and keep a food journal for two weeks just so she knows how certain foods affect her. This is what I had to do when I was first diagnosed. All she did was moan about the whole process, claiming her fingers would fall off from all the pricking. Ahem, mom. Your fingers are going nowhere. You're retired and have nothing else to do. Please just take care of your damn health! Granted, she takes her meds for the various health issues she has, but she doesn't change her eating and exercise habits. She has high blood pressure, but won't let go of salt. She has diabetes, but has bread and chocolate milk every morning. It kills me! But the way she handles her stuff isn't they way I handle my stuff. I simply have to accept this and move on. Besides, I have my own health issues to deal with!

I got so frustrated at the doctor's today that just broke down. I told Tish that between my brother (who is also diabetic), mom and I, I'd be the first to die of this fuckin' disease. Even though I'm the one who works the hardest at controlling it. I'd fuckin' die first because that's just the pathetic story of my life. I hate being a diabetic. I just fuckin' hate it! I can't go back to 1987 and make my mom confront the chronic disease she has. I can't make her take care of herself now. In all honesty, I feel like I'd seriously die first. It's just how things work in this damn family. I just hate it!

Okay. I'm whining. I know. I'll stop.

I'm just frustrated. Most people can have a burger and not think twice. Most people can have a slice of wedding cake or a glass of wine and not bat an eyelash. From here on out, I don't have that luxury. It sucks. So I have the right to whine.


Gladys said...

i'm sorry, j. it's admirable the way you deal with it, though.

Joanne said...

thanks gladys. i'm frustrated, but i'm hanging in there.