over it!

Warning: This is a bitch rant. If you're not ready for it, don't read it.

For the record, I'm over this f--king challenge. I decided to dedicate myself to 30g of carbs or less per day. After doing this challenge and coming as close to 30g of carbs per day (on days I'm not 30 and under, I'm definitely 50g and under), I can honestly say that for me, 30g of carbs or less is complete bullshit. I've dropped five pounds... and that's it. Granted, I feel leaner and such. However, I've decided that the reason why the weight loss isn't where I want it to be is because I'm f--king stressed out about making my carb count. This is why...

30g of carbs does not go a long way.

Twice a day, in order for me to knock out the high protein count, I drink two green smoothies, which has 55g of protein, and 9g of carbs for each smoothie. This also uses up over half of my carb count for the day. That leaves me with 12g of carbs to play with for the rest of the day. If you want to know what this looks like, here it goes....

food / calorie count / carb count / fiber count / net carb (carbs minus fiber)
spaghetti squash (one cup) / 33 / 7 / 2 / 5
zucchini (half cup) / 15 / 7 / 3 / 4
mushrooms (1 cup) / 15 / 2 / 1 / 1
kale (1 cup) / 36 / 7 / 3 / 4
half & half (2tbs) / 34 / 2 / 0 / 2
Spaghetti Sauce (1/2 cup) / 60 / 10 / 1 / 9
avocado (1 medium) / 160 / 17 / 9 / 8
eggplant (1 cup cooked) / 33 / 9 / 2 / 7
roasted garlic (6 cloves) / 40 / 6 / 0 / 6
baked yam (medium) / 136 / 37 / 5 / 32
tomato (large) / 33 / 7 / 2 / 5


Basically, after my unsweetened iced coffee with half and half and two servings of veggies, I'm done with my carb count. Let's not forget that salad dressing, marinades, and cheese have some carbs. This is making my life so damn hellish. I've already cut fruit, lattes, all forms of potatoes, and said goodbye to all sweets, pasta, rice, and other processed carbs. I like to think I've done better than most and therefore, should be checking in some amazing results. However, I firmly believe that the reason why I haven't dropped the weight is not because of the eating. I've been quite good, actually. Thing is, I've been beyond stressed out to make the 30g or less. Stress just isn't kosher for weight loss. 

With that, I'm sorry, Alex. But I'm throwing your method away. I don't care about winning the challenge. Though you make a compelling argument for weight loss, it doesn't work for me (and it hasn't worked for other people - even you know this). I've given it my best. Right now, my body HATES me. I'm sick of stressing out over carb counting. I hate smelling like a meat locker filled with rotting bodies. Also, I can't stand that even though I'm drinking more than enough water, my digestive system isn't agreeing with me. While my blood sugar levels are lower than before, my stress levels are way too high. I'm also completely un-motivated to hit the gym because after the WOD, I'm hungry as all hell and just can't afford the extra five f--king carbs to eat! I'm so sick of this shit! None of this is worth five pounds. Therefore, I'm walking away.

When I signed up for the challenge, I wasn't looking to do something for seven weeks and then walk away. I'm looking for a life long change that will sustain me beyond the challenge, for life. Unlike many, I have no desire to compete in the games, develop a six-pack, or even "look better naked." My one goal is to just get off the diabetes medication. Period. If I look and weigh the same as I do now, but can take one less medication, I'm happy. Unfortunately, a lot of the motivation behind the challenge revolves around "looking better naked." I never thought of myself as ugly, so that serves no motivation for me whatsoever. I need to find an eating lifestyle that is sustainable beyond the challenge, one that lets me enjoy food as opposed to making me feel guilty about it. I also want to engage in an eating lifestyle that fulfills me. In fact, at each meal, these are the questions I want to ask myself:

1) Does this food give me the fuel I need to sustain myself?
2) Does this food heal my body?
3) Does this meal contribute to a positive experience in my life?

Surprisingly, these questions are what has allowed me to cut the processed junk. Though I get the reasons why fruit needs to be cut to a minimum, I feel cutting fruit out completely is inhumane. (Seriously. Life without berries is an act against nature. I'm not asking permission to eat it everyday. But sometimes I want to have a strawberry to top off a salty meal.)

So what is going to be my strategy for the remainder of the challenge (and my life, really)? Well, I ran into a dear friend who is fitness coach in San Francisco. She offered to meet with me and figure out a sustainable food plan. I told her about the challenge and she understood my frustration. We agree that my primary goal is to get off the meds. We also agree that I need a better relationship with food that is going to sustain me in the long term. In my email to Maria, I wrote:

I'm not looking for permission to eat pasta and cupcakes. But I don't want to look and fruit and feel like I'm looking at the enemy. Like I said, I want to work towards losing the diabetes meds. I want to find a way of eating that will allow me to do that. No bingeing. Just solid, healthy, sound eating.

I'm hoping to meet her this week so I can re-strategize. Until then, I'm focusing on eating clean - primarily veggies with enough protein to keep from from smelling like rotting road kill. Finally, I'm taking the week off from taking any measurements (no weighing). I'm tired of stressing over the challenge bullshit. Therefore, I won't do it anymore. It's not worth it to me.