Wednesday, November 26, 2008

saying good-bye

In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t make it a habit of posting unattractive photos of myself. That’s a big thing for me to admit because if you’ve ever seen my myspace page or have ever seen my room, you’ll find tons of photos of myself.

I’m a bit of a narcissist. So what? I like to think it’s just me exercising a healthy and positive self-image.

I haven’t been as good about working out lately. Blame it on the weather. It’s typical for me to falter during the winter because it’s just too damn cold to do anything and I’m so not into indoor running and such. However, I will now declare that I really need to start training for the Kaiser Half in February. No excuses. The race is too close and the cold just isn’t a good enough excuse to not train. Besides, I have a doctor check up in January and I’m hoping that I pull some good numbers. I don’t have the kind of body that can afford to not exercise because my diabetes levels depend on exercise and healthy eating. For me, the exercise part is way easier than the eating part. Anyway…

Since I’ve been diligently working out and trying to become healthier (the journey started in July), I’ve lost about 16 pounds. It’s not a lot, but I think right now, my body is trying to re-configure itself. So though I’ve been in an exercise slump, I’m still maintaining or losing weight (or at least that’s what it looks like). I think this “re-configuring” stage is normal because I feel like my fat is just re-distributing itself. By the way, I don’t know what it is about those good old omega-3 fish oil pills, but I will say that I feel less bloated and fat in the belly since taking them. Eric suggested I take 5 pills when I wake up and 5 pills before I go to sleep. I think it’s a small change anyone can incorporate into their days. For those of you who have a Costco card, $9 for 400 pills is a total bargain! But I’ll let you know the final verdict when I get my numbers from the doc in January. Anyway…

Lately when I see Margaret she always says that my body is changing. Most recently, she said that I had to say good-bye to my old body. I didn’t realize what she meant until I dug up these old photos:

Shut up. Laugh all you want. In case you’re wondering, these were taken in early 2003 when I worked for Stila. I wanted to take photos with my co-workers because I was leaving the store to start GSI-ing. The last photo was taken when Mae got married. I was rockin’ curly hair then. I can’t believe how different I look in the photos. From what I remember, I always felt healthy and happy. I was an avid cardio kickboxer/krav maga-er, so in my mind’s eye, I was healthy. Granted, I knew I wasn’t skinny, but I thought I was a good kind of thick (if you will). In fact, if you were to ever ask me how I would describe my body, I would say that I’m “curvy athletic.” (If you think that’s an oxymoron, then you need to go away.) Anyway…

When these photos were taken, I actually lost weight. When I moved back to the bay area in 2000, I think I wore a size 18-20 (plus size; yeah, you won’t find a lot of photos of me at this time). In these photos, I’m down to a 16, going towards 14 (plus size). In 2004 when I was diagnosed with type II diabetes, I lost weight again by simply lessening the bad carbs that were screwing with my blood sugars. I stayed at size 14-16, but I grew out of the plus size range and in to the “regular” clothing range. I remember at the time feeling a little sad because I could no longer shop at Lane Bryant. It was my go-to place, my comfort zone. It was the store where I always knew things would fit. Granted, out growing (or should I say under-growing?) Lane Bryant clothes would normally be a blessing. But for those of you who are a “regular” woman’s size 14-16, you’ll know it’s the shittiest size to be because manufacturers vary so much. It’s the size that is more miss-than-hit because clothing companies refuse to recognize that 14-16 is the average size of American women. I always felt I was too fat for “regular” clothes and too thin for Lane. Bleh! I think this dilemma is what made saying good-bye to my Lane Bryant body so hard.

And now, Margaret is right. I have to say good-bye again to my body. When I go shopping, I automatically pick up size XL for tops and size 14 for bottoms. I don’t bat an eyelash and I don’t think twice. These days, it’s not as easy. My bottoms range from 12-14 (depending on the manufacturer). My exercise pants went from a large/extra large to medium. Letting go of my old Nike pants is hard and I haven’t quite done that yet. I don’t know what I’m holding on to. I do know that training in them is a bitch because they keep falling. My tops are now down to size L, unless I’m in the juniors department, which puts me at XL. Though I eventually will, I refuse to let go of my exercise tops that are a bit loose. I just won’t do it! I have to try things on more carefully and tell myself that when deciding between two sizes, I have to go smaller because that’s just where I’m headed.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not wanting to be uber-skinny. My body isn’t made that way. I think the smallest I’d let myself go is a size 10. Anything smaller than that just doesn’t suit my body (or my personality). I think saying good-bye to my old body wouldn’t be so bad if I had an income that could afford some transition clothes. But that’s not the case.

On an up note, Margaret is starting to get involved with an organization called “Dress for Success” and they need clothing donations in size 14-16. I’m glad that saying good-bye to my old body will benefit someone starting up a new life.

I’m slowly coming to terms to saying good-bye. Right now, I need to say hello to a new winter training schedule. I’ll keep you posted!

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