I'm in my head.

I know that you can't be perfect all the time. Believe me. I, the queen of I'm-so-not-perfect-that-I'm-in-the-negative-zone definitely know this. Lately I've been feeling like I've been faltering in my work-outs. I feel like I'm slower, slacking, and in a rut that I just can't manage to get out of.

Granted, this may not necessarily be the reality of my performance, but I'm definitely feeling it. I wouldn't necessarily call myself a competitive person. I can't stand competition. Something about it just conjures up painful memories of middle school P.E. when Mr. Burkhart would single me out and torture me in front of the class. During volleyball, he made me serve the entire period after letting him know I had a pulled muscle in my right arm. Because I didn't have a doctor's note, he thought I was lying and wanted to prove a point to the class. Through tears, extreme pain, and classmates pleading with Mr. Burkhart to sit me out, I had to suffer through the game. During gymnastics, I landed wrong and blacked out for about a minute. When I came to consciousness, he berated me because I did the move wrong (according to my classmates, it looked like I was going to snap my neck). Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge advocate of P.E. and definitely think that it should be part of the daily school curriculum. However, I think crappy P.E. teachers deserve the death penalty.

I think these memories are some of the demons l'm fighting each time I work out. This is why I try to push a little harder and go a little farther than what I'm used to. So when I'm in a slump (like the one I'm in right now), it just feels like those demons are back and they've won.

One thing I do know about working out is that your mind can take you farther than your body thinks it can go. This kind of mental endurance is what comes over you when you're training for a marathon. It's mile 20 and you can feel that wall creeping up on you. The body can easily surrender, but what separates you from reaching that 26.2 mile mark is the distance your mind will allow you to go. It's fact. Simple fact.

Freddy pointed it out to me. I'm in my head. I'm in my head and I just need to get out of my head. This is why I'm struggling in class right now. I'm in my head.

While I'm not a competitive person, I can't help but notice that I'm coming in close to last all the time. Other folks in the class are getting better and better while I'm just slipping. I don't expect to be better than anyone else, but I can't help but notice that I'm slipping with nothing to hold on to.

UGH! It's me. I'm in my head.

I'm in my head.